The masochistic me

Another day and another new route. Yep, I'm the queen of new routes lately. Can't seem to get enough of them. I suppose in a way I'm trying to trick my body into running better, longer, faster. And why? Why am I even running? I give myself that old familiar shrugIdunnoshrug I used to give my parents when I was a teen.

Why indeed.

I didn't miss the bus or the train (and the fact that I don't take either has no bearing on this soapbox).

No one, other than the three people in my immediate family, really knows I'm running, so I'm not impressing anyone. I haven't run any races (yet), so I'm certainly not winning any medals or money.

So why?

I'm being chased! I'm running for my life - from age, a slowing metabolism, weight gain, poor circulation, loss of muscle mass, stress, sleeplessness and excuses.

And I'm chasing - strength, endurance, cardiovascular fitness (omigod did I just use the word "cardiovascular in a sentence?"), increased metabolism, weight loss, muscle tone and restful nights. It's a race against time, and oh yes, I will win this race.

And since it's just us friends, I should admit that I want the slim, sleek, fit machine of a body I used to have, but took for granted. "A Hot Mama" - that's what I wanna be. I'll buy the tee shirt. And I'll proudly prance around wearing it - all through the house.

*We apologize for that interruption and we now return to the previously scheduled show*

The new route is nice, and I'll repeat that one today. The worst part about this route for me is the face time on a VERY busy road. Most of the route meanders around a beautiful golf course neighborhood, but it ends on a traffic-laden road with a 4-way stop light.

To know me is to know that I'm very private - especially with my pain. Having to run FACING the traffic (and by "traffic" I mean a good 50+ cars) on the way back home was hard. I was horribly, frighteningly exposed. I felt like I was running down the road naked [read: nekkid]. I wondered if my arms were flailing about, or if my legs looked unstable, or if I was running like a geek. I wondered if the people in their cars could see my butt cheeks flapping with each stride, because god knows I could feel them. I wondered, because I notice runners when I'm in the car. I notice when someone is running so slow that the McDonald's-parking-lot-beggar-lady with one crutch passes easily. I notice when someone has a silly-looking gait, or if their knees hit with each step. And I laugh. Not aloud, of course, but inside. Deep inside, in my secret "neener neener" place.

I had to talk myself through my stage fright. "Look straight ahead. Don't look at them. Look straight ahead. Turn up the music. Look straight ahead. 1, 2 running shoe. 3, 4 this hurts more. 5, 6 don't get sick. 7, 8 doing great. 9, 10 home again. Almost there. Look straight ahead. Fat ass fat ass fat ass..."

And finally I could see the road from which my street branches. Home free. I did it. I DID IT!

I knew I could I knew I could I knew I could.

Look, if you had one shot
or one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted
in one moment
would you capture it,
or just let it slip?

.....You better lose yourself in the music,
the moment, you own it,
you better never let it go
You only get one shot
do not miss your chance
don’t blow
this opportunity comes once in a lifetime..

Lose Yourself - Eminem