Rapid Eye Movement

Another vivid dream....

This morning I awoke with my dream trailing into this world; I was still weepy.

I had just been dreaming about someone I haven't thought about in years - other than for a very brief period this past year as I was searching for him to let him know about our upcoming 20 year high school reunion. I was on the reunion committee and his name was on my alphabetical list of names to call. I was unable to locate him, so I gave up.

I'll call him Bill. In my dreamworld I had just learned that Bill had recently passed away (cause unknown to me now) and had left a sort of diary, with the last entry dated 10/28. [No clue how I remember the date so clearly] I no longer recall if the year was 2007, but I remember feeling that it was very recent, so it must have been. That particular entry referenced me in part, and now the exact wording is hazy, but I remember the words "like the unhappiness in 'AtlantaMom's' life."

I remember that I was crying, but I don't remember why, and I awoke still feeling weepy and upset.

I first met Bill in 6th grade at a science fair. Our science projects had each won ribbons at our respective elementary schools, so we traveled with others who had received ribbons to a regional science fair. I remember that his table was set up near mine and that we chatted throughout most of the day.

The following year he was transferred to my jr. high and we continued at the same jr. high school and then high school, sharing classes from time to time. We were always friendly and I always liked him a lot, but we didn't share the same group of friends in high school.

We met up again in college, as we attended the same large state university. From time to time we would run into one another and I was always pleasantly surprised to see him again. Until one particular night....

The last time we ran into one another at the university, I was invited to a party at his apartment. He had three roommates and I was aquaintances with them all. It was to be a big get-together with tons of free beer and snacks. In college the words "free drinks" is akin to the words "You've just won the lottery!" Everyone met up the apartment and played drinking games for hours. Great music was blaring, people were laughing and yelling and having a great time. At some point I excused myself to use the restroom, after someone pointed me toward the nearest one.

While I was in the restroom, someone began to beat on the bathroom door. "Just a second," I remember saying. No sooner had I said those words than the door began to open (I remember the lock was funny on that door and it didn't quite work). It was Bill, and he was trying to come in. With all my strength I was trying to hold the door shut with my foot while I tried to get my jeans up as quickly as I could. I remember feeling angry that he wouldn't wait just a goddamned minute for me to finish. I let the door open as I zipped, and as I walked into the bedroom I began to chastise him for trying to come in on me. I was headed angrily toward the bedroom door, which was shut. As I reached for the knob he grabbed me from behind. I noted then that the door was locked. He suddenly pushed me backward onto the bed, and was on top of me pinning me down.

Now my feelings were mixed: anger, surprise, shock and fear. What was he doing? This was Bill! I had known Bill since we were kids!

He wouldn't let me up, and by the blank look on his face I could see where this was going. I knew that he was not planning on stopping. Now I was very afraid - and in shock.

I started to scream at the top of my lungs. "BILL! GET OFF ME!" over and over. The music on the other side of the door was very loud, and I remember thinking that no one would ever hear me, and since everyone was drunk no one would miss me or him. But somehow someone heard me. The door suddenly flew open, slamming into the wall - I think it was kicked in - and there stood one of his roommates. I don't remember what anyone said, but I think I was able to utter a quick "thanks" before I ran out without looking back. I got my things and left right then.

I didn't see or speak to Bill again for 7 years or so - not until our 10 year high school reunion. At the reunion he kept following me around until I finally told him I was still angry with him for what had happened and he played dumb. I reminded him that he had attacked me and he denied it. I told him to go away and leave me alone, and he did.

I never saw Bill again or heard from him again. I did hear, through the grapevine, that he had become a police officer. Perfect.

The question is this: Why did I dream about Bill? What did that dream mean? What was I crying about?

In graduate school we discussed dream interpretation only for a short while, as my professor put very little stock in it. It was during our Sigmund Freud phase when we entertained such notions, and for entertainment purposes only we each offered some dream content for analysis by the class. I took away very little from that portion of the class, except that my offering of "I dreamt my teeth were falling out" meant that I was having some "loss of control" issues in my life at that time. Having had that same dream many times, I must point out that those were indeed times in which my life was out of control. Freud could have been onto something with his dream interpretation stuff.

Many times I've lied - Many times I've listened
Many times I've wondered how much there is to know.
Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold.
Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road.

Over The Hills And Far Away - Led Zeppelin


I wonder if some part of my subconcious is trying to make sense of things long repressed. Maybe I'm finally at a point in my life where those parts of me feel safe enough to break through to and resolve the big nasties I've ignored for so long. Or maybe I'm dying of cancer and the part of me that knows that is trying to resolve everything and tie up loose ends. Or maybe my dream was a vision, and Bill is repenting for the pain he caused me those long years ago. Or maybe this is what happens as we age. Or maybe......Ahh, I could speculate 'till I'm blue in the face, and it would get me no closer to the answer. Maybe there is no answer.

I would be remiss if I didn't admit that I feel a sort of benign interest in what my next dream(s) will reveal - about my past, present or future.

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace,
sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relay,
the story was quite clear

All I see turns to brown,
as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand,
as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find,
trying to find where I've been.

Kashmir - Led Zeppelin